A man is thrown in a Soviet prison cell and the other inhabitants of the cell crowd round him. "How long you in for," they ask. "Ten years," the new man laments. "And what did you do?" "Nothing. I did nothing". "You liar," the prisoners shout. "For nothing you get five years."
A man dies and it is judgement day. "I am afraid you have not made it to heaven. But you can, as a special favour, have a choice of hells".
"What do you mean, a choice of hells?" "You can go to the capitalist hell or the communist hell".
"Ok, fair enough, but what's the difference between them?" "Well, the capitalist hell has fire and brimstone and torture." "And the communist hell?" "That has brimstone and torture and fire".
"I don't understand. They sound exactly the same. Which should I pick?"
"If I were you I'd choose the communist hell."
"Why should I do that?"
"Well, you know what these socialist places are like. Sometimes there's no fire, sometimes there's no brimstone, sometimes there's no torture........."
A man goes to car showroom and orders a Lada. The sales guy tells him there's a bit of a waiting list but the car will be available for collection on June 24th 2017. The man asks
"Morning or afternoon?"
"Why do you care?" says the salesman
"Because they are coming to connect my new phone line in the morning"
Lenin, Stalin, and Brezhnev are on a train crossing Siberia when it breaks down.
"Do not worry, comrades!" cries Lenin. "The people will throw off the chains of their capitalist overlords, and get the train moving again!"
The three wait for a few hours. The train doesn't move. Stalin gets up.
"Comrades," says Stalin, menacingly. "Do not worry. I will shoot every third man until the train starts moving again." He goes out, and comes back several hours later covered in blood. The train still isn't moving.
Brezhnev gets up, a patient smile on his face. "Comrades," he says, gently. "Do not worry. I have the solution to all our problems. Let us just *pretend* the train is moving."
Three workers find themselves locked up, and they ask each other what they're in for.
The first man says: "I was always ten minutes late to work, so I was accused of sabotage." The second man says: "I was always ten minutes early to work, so I was accused of espionage."
The third man says: "I always got to work on time, so I was accused of having a Western watch."
A man from Soviet Russia, a man from Soviet Poland and an American are on a train.
The Russian is bored. He looks around, reaches up to the shelf and takes down his suitcase. He opens it to reveal countless bottles of vodka. He takes one and throws the rest out of the window. He takes a swig from the bottle and throws that out of the window as well.
The Pole and the American are amazed. "Why did you do that?" they ask. The Russian shrugs his shoulders and says "Where I am from we have plenty of vodka."
The American, not wanting to be outdone, reaches up to the shelf and takes down his suitcase. Inside are countless packets of cigarettes. He takes a pack and throws the rest out of the window. He then takes a cigarette, lights it and takes a drag. He then throws the cigarette and the packet out of the window.
The Russian and the Pole are amazed. "Why did you do that?" they ask. The American shrugs and says "Where I am from we have loads of cigarettes."
The Pole looks a little uncomfortable, thinks for a moment and then throws the Russian out of the window.
A rare visitor to Soviet Russia in the '50s wants to get the view of the man on the street. He accosts a number of strangers and asks them "What do you think of Stalin?". Each avoids his eye and scurries away until one man, saying nothing but with a barely perceptible nod, signals to the visitor to follow him. Understanding the need to keep his distance he follows the stranger up the road, onto a tram, another tram, a further walk and finally a third tram to a desolate industrial zone. He follows into an abandoned building where he finds his man in a concealed corner and joins him there. "Actually" he says "I quite like him".
Leonid Brezhnev pays a state visit to France and he's given a VIP guided tour of Paris. He's conducted round the splendours of the Élysée Palace, but remains as stony-faced as ever. He's shown the masterpieces of the Louvre, but the curators fail to get any reaction out of him. He's taken to the Arc de Triomphe, but displays not the slightest interest. Eventually, the official motorcade drives him to the foot of the Eiffel Tower, where Brezhnev finally stares up in amazement and astonishment. He turns to his French hosts and asks in bewilderment: "But, Paris is a city of 9 million people... surely you need more than one watchtower?"
- Adam and Eve were Communist. Who else could be naked, have nothing to eat but one apple between them, and think themselves in Paradise?
- A Deviationist is someone who keeps going straight as the party veers to left or right.
the definition of ecstasy. An American, a Frenchman and a Soviet citizen are discussing what true ecstasy is. The American says it's a cold beer during the World Series. The Frenchman claims it's a good lover, a good bottle of wine and a gourmet meal. The Soviet citizen says they have it wrong. Ecstasy is having the police knock on your door at 3 a.m. and say "Pyotr Ivanovich, come with us." Real ecstasy is being able to reply, "I'm sorry, Comrades, but Pyotr Ivanovich lives one floor up." However, TRUE ecstasy only occurs if they, by some miracle, do not arrest you for not being Pyotr Ivanovich.
What's 300 feet long, grey and eats cabbage?
The queue outside a Russian butcher's shop.
2) A Soviet schoolteacher is told her class will be visited by a Commisar so she drills the kids on how to answer any questions. The Commisar arrives and asks a little girl who she is and what she wants to be when she grows up. The girl replies "I am Natasha, my father is the glorious Red Army and my mother is the wonderful Russian state and when I grow up I want to be a tractor driver". "Very good" replies the Commisar. "And what about you?" he says to a little boy. He replies "I am Vladimir, my father is the glorious Red Army and my mother is the wonderful Russian state and when I grow up I want to be a cosmonaut". "Very good" replies the Commisar, then he points to a little Jewish boy at the back of the class. "And what about you?" "I am Reuben" he replies, "My father is the glorious Red Army and my mother is the wonderful Russian state. "And what do you want to be when you grow up?" asks the Commisar. "An orphan" replies the boy.
When told atomic war has broken out, go home , put on a white sheet and walk slowly to the nearest cemetery. Why slowly?
So as not to start a panic.
Q. "Why do the KGB operate in groups of three?" A. "One can read, one can write and one to keep an eye on the two intellectuals."
It was 6.00 am on a cold winter's day in Moscow, too many degrees below zero and with an overcast sky threatening snow.
A long, begraggled but orderly queue had formed overnight between the snowdrifts outside one of dilapidated outlets of the official Soyuz Stolichnaya vodka distributor.
At 10.00 am, an hour after its official opening time, a little hatch in the paint-peeled door opened up and a Soviet commissar announced "The workers of the Stolichnaya Vodka Co-Operative are presently stranded in the snow and the delivery will be late. Our heros will prevail against the anti-Soviet weather - but the vodka must rationed. There will be no vodka sold to the loyal Jewish citizens of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics today!"
Obediently the Jewish citizens of the USSR left the queue and the little hatch in the door closed.
At 11.30 am, the little hatch opened up again, and the commissar announced, "The anti-Soviet weather has been vanquished, but the heros of Soviet labour have now to repair the engineering of the delivery van which has been damaged by anti-Soviet saboteurs. There will be no vodka sold to the citizens of the Moldavian Soviet Socialist Republic today!" And so the citizens of Moldavian Soviet Socialist Republic duly left the line.
The weather grew even colder and it started to snow...
At regular intervals throughout the day, the little hatch would open and the commissar would announce the latest incident to have held up the delivery of the vodka, each time announcing that certain loyal citizens of the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics had to leave the queue.
By 5.00 pm, citizens of the Armenian SSR, Azerbaijan SSR, Byelorussian SSR, Estonian SSR, Georgian SSR, Kazakh SSR, Kirghiz SSR, Latvian SSR, Lithuanian SSR, Tajik SSR and Turkmen SSR had all left the queue as instructed and the only people left waiting were the ethnic Russians of the Russian Soviet Federated Socialist Republic.
At 5.30 pm, just before official closing time, once again the little hatch in the door opened and the commissar's head popped out to announce that reactionaries working along the Soviet benzine pipeline had prevented the duly repaired delivery van from filling its tank and thus reaching its destination. As a result, there would be no vodka sold that day, even to loyal citizens of the Russian SSFR.
Freezing cold, covered in snow, hungry and tired, one Russian turned to the person behind him in the queue and said in a whisper, "Those bloody Jews get all the luck!"
Two men walk on a Budapest street in December 1950.
One sighs, "It's unbearable!"
A third man, walking up to the that point a little behind them grabs his arm.
-You are arrested on account of dispersing hostile propaganda against the People's Democracy.
-But I was merely commenting on the cold!
-You are lying. The cold is bearable.
A Jew was stranded in a Moscow trainstop and needed to find a telephone. He asked the man next to him "are you anti-semitic?" and the man quickly replied "of course not, what an awfull thing to ask." The stranded Jew asked several more Russians the same question, but they denied being racist. Then he asked a man, "Comrade, are you anti-semitic?" and he replied, "hell yes, I can't stand them!" The Jew looked at him for a moment and said, "finally an honest man, here would you watch my luggage while I go find a payphone?"
Three prisoners start talking about their crimes.
First one: "I criticized Comrade Ivanov."
Second one: "I defended Comrade Ivanov."
Third one: "I am Comrade Ivanov."
Lenin dies and goes to Hell. A couple of weeks later, God is at the fence and sees the Devil, who is looking a bit upset. "Hey, Satan! What's wrong?"
"Oh," says Satan. "It's that Lenin character. What a pain in the rear!"
God says, "Well, I'm not very busy right now. I'll take him for a while."
Satan perks up. "You will? Thank you very much!" He boots Lenin over.
A couple of weeks later, Satan runs into God, who is walking along in a business-like manner. "Hey, God, how are you doing with Lenin?"
God answers, "First, that's Comrade God. Second, there is no God. Third, I can't stop to talk. I'm late for a Party meeting."
Two Soviet police spot a man walking at night.
The first policeman warns the man "Comrade! You have 15 minutes to get home before the curfew."
The second policeman pulls out his gun and shoots the man. "Why did you do that, he had 15 minutes to get home?" the first said.
"He wouldn't have made it, I know where he lives!" was the reply.
Supposed to be true: A group of National Geographic photographers and writers were staying at a Moscow hotel, and had a good party one evening. As they partied, one spoke loudly into the lamp: "We are having such a good time! It's such a shame you aren't!"
A moment later the phone rang, when someone answered all they heard was the sound of a champaigne cork popping!
Putin: "Congratulations Svetlana Medvedeva on your husband's landslide election to President."
Svetlana: "My God, Vladimir Vladimirovich! My Dmitry President! When did that happen?"
Putin: "Next March."
Mikhael Saakashvili: "I'm sorry to complain again Mr President, but Georgia's gas pressure is rather low again."
Vladimir Putin: "You've got gas, Comrade President! I'm sure that wasn't supposed to happen this week."
Early in 2003 President Putin visited Azerbaijan.
Putin: "… and how are things going Comrade?"
Ilham Aliyev: "Terrible, Mr President, terrible! Drug-running is totally out of control here, the people are starving through lack of food and fuel, the Gabala radar station just fell down, and the Generals are threatening mutiny.
"The Council of Europe is threatening to throw us out again, I suspect someone else is creaming off more of our oil profits than I am, and the UN is trying to freeze my private Swiss bank accounts.
"It doesn't matter how often the other broadcasters' transmitters accidentally break down, I still can't get anyone to watch AzTV.
"Despite my best efforts, the opposition still think "freedom of speech" means that they can say what they like.
"The Caspian is so polluted I can hardly get any decent caviar nowadays.
"The Armenians are revolting, our prisons still aren't big enough, my father is very ill in hospital, I think my wife is having an affair, and my dog died."
Putin: "Oh no! Not that lovely Borzoi that I gave you last year. You must be devastated."
An Englishman, an American and a Frenchman were all telling Communist jokes.
Well, said the Englishman, this ones about the fact that the Soviet people from 1917 until 1989 never ate anything but potatoes. That must be true, said the American but mine's much funnier than that. It's about the fact that the only job you could ever get in the USSR was to be a tractor driver. Not bad, not bad, said the Frenchman. But mine's a real corker. It's 1968. It's the height of the Cold War and unbeknown to the West, one third of the population of Russia, Hungary, Poland, East Germany, Romania, Czechoslovakia and Bulgaria was actually working in a factory that wasn't producing anything, one third of the population was being arrested by the KGB and the last third was actually locked up in the Lubyanka.
That's not funny, said the American. We spent a lot of time and energy fighting that war. Sorry, said the Frenchman. Let's try and think of another enemy. Yes, they all said, and went off to buy some cheap Chinese made clothes while looking up at the sky to see if any Muslims were going to fly a plane into one of their skyscrapers.
Amazed little boy: Daddy! Daddy! Why are we still telling jokes about communism twenty years after it ended?
Daddy: Just in case anyone would ever be tempted to think there was any validity in Marx's analysis of Capitalism's abject failure, as the dominant economic system of the last 500 years, to feed and clothe the world.
A man wants to write about life in prison, so he stands in the middle of Central square and shouts something about the head of the nation being stupid. He gets arrested and thinks he'll get a scentenced for offence, but instead gets 10 years for uncovering government secret.
There was a long, long line outside the rationing station, and those part of the queue waited in an unmoving line for hours. Eventually, a man, so fed up with waiting, broke away from the queue and yelled out "I cannot wait any longer! I'm off to assassinate Stalin!", which was recieved with a round of cheer and support.
He returned a few hours later, and rejoined the queue. His comrades asked "How did you go?"
He replied, "There's an even longer line to assassinate Stalin"
Pole joins meat line which is closed.
Joins cheese line which is closed.
Joins bread line which is closed.
Joins vodka line which is also closed.
When the sign is put out and the door closed at the vodka line, he tears off his hat and stomps on it, tears off his coat and shirt, shows his scars, and yells to the rest of the line, "this is the scar I got at Krakov, this is the scar from Berlin, I am a hero of the Revolution and of the war against the Germans, and I have no meat, no bread and not even vodka. For what have I suffered?"
The crowd applauds and encourages him, but an officer of the secret police steps up and reminds him, "you are right, and times are hard, but remember, not so long ago . . ." and the officer uses his hand like a pistol, puts it to his own head and pulls the "trigger" and his head flops over to the side. "Just go home, comrade, and forget this, and we will do the same."
So he goes home and collapses in his chair, and his wife says, "what's wrong?"
"It's worse than I thought. They've run out of bullets."